I'm torturing myself. I don't know why I'm doing it.
It's my last day in Baltimore. My room is mostly cleaned out. I have a lot of stuff. Someone is taking over my apt and he's moving in this weekend. So I had to make sure that all of my stuff was out, even though the movers can't pick up my stuff until July 5. Boo. I have to come back to supervise the packing. What a hassle. Plus, I have to transport certain things myself, like any valuables, my plants, a blow-up bed, and clothes. I'm thinking I don't have enough room for all of this in my car. I thought at first that I'd have plenty, but I don't. What's waiting for me tomorrow is a 7-8 hour drive alone.
Sorry, that's not the torture part. I texted him on Tues. He was the one who suggested we be friends and have a drink before I go, after about a week of not hearing from him. He emailed me on myspace to suggest that. So I texted on Tues, "Still want 2 get 2gether?" Non-commital, right? No word. I've been checking myspace everyday. I check his page, I check mine. I check friends' pages. I'm a loser. Nothing. Well, he did put up a bulletin (for everyone to see). The subject line was Al Green. The message was "Let's Stay Together!" a song by Al Green.
To be honest, I think he's moved on and is dating other girls already. That song is not meant for me. My roommate, who I should have never said anything at all to, except that he kept asking, keeps trying to convince me that he's a jerk. Everything is black and white to him; I don't think forgiveness is easy for him. I don't need to think the worst of someone to move on. It might help for some people, but it's not helping me. I just wish I knew the truth. I just wished he'd said goodbye.
Of course, none of this is the torture part. Some stupid impulse made me go and read some of the old emails that he'd sent me. Sweet, lovely emails with sweet, lovely sentiments ... with the occassional dirty talk. He told me that I "touched his heart and I love you for it." He told me that I was "so pretty" and that I made him "feel like a man." He said that he would "make it work," meaning when I moved. I'm reading all of this and I'm thinking, why would he tell me these things, lead me on, when it was so easy for him to hurt me like that? Why do guys promise you the moon so early, so soon? Something must give them so much confidence early in the relationship and yet the same thing must make them lose all confidence right when I start to believe in the relationship. How can that NOT leave you feeling like it's your fault?
It'd be so much easier for me to forgive him if he would just say goodbye to me. Then at least I'd know that I meant something.
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2 comments:
Yep, you're torturing yourself you silly muppet, but it's the same thing I think most of us would do :S
Can you be just friends with him? If not, I recommend trying very very hard and not checking his myspace. You'll have more things to do then you've got time to do them in when you get to your destination and things will be easier then!
It's so hard, I did it again today!
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